I Grew This, 2009

When I handed each of my boys 3 seeds and said, "Plant these wherever you want." I scarcely could have guessed that the most established, healthiest plant would sprout from less than a foot of rocky soil wedged between the garage, the driveway, and the steps to our front porch.

The zucchini is thriving (though I've noticed some strange furry stuff on the leaves lately) and we picked our first zuke and baked five loaves of bread with it.

After we picked that thing, took pictures with it, and shredded it up, I let the boys have a little taste. They were anxious to partake of their labors. Yuck! Seriously, they gagged. But then they each had a steaming piece of sweet zucchini bread and Cooper giggled and said, "I changed my mind, I like zucchini."


Lesson learned? First try making your children grow the vegetables you want them to eat. If that doesn't work, just remember a little rule I learned from my sister-in-law, if you add enough sugar and butter to anything it will taste good.

Waterlogged, II

There is something about summer than drains my creativity. So, I've been looking back. I thought that if I looked back at what we were doing last year at this time I would be renewed with artisitc energy. In case you're wondering, no.

But it is amazing to me how much my boys have grown and changed. Remember when little Mr. Mason wouldn't go near the water? This year he stills show reserve, but he has plunged into swimming lessons.

Also, isn't he cute in these goggles?

See, I told you. No genius writing happening here.

Why I Read, II

I read. When I meet people who read, I know it instantly, and I like them. They can have a million other likable qualities, and unlikeable ones, and I will love them if they love to read. While I was on vacation I finished two books, and started a third.

I started Three Cups of Tea. I don't love it so far, but will likely finish. It's just the way I'm built. I read People of the Book. I liked it. In fact, I even loved parts of it. If you like books and libraries and the people that keep both alive you will probably like it, too. I read Water for Elephants and I LOVED IT!

Water for Elephants got inside my head and I have a few things I want to say about it. Upon finishing the book I decided to issue the following wish.

When I am old, and I mean really, really, really old, I hope I can remember the happy, amazing details of my little life. For it is these memories that I will watch, rather than T.V. when my kids ship me off to the nursing home. I hope I remember every detail of my husband's face, particularly the first time I realized how long and thick his eyelashes are. I hope I can recall the very squeal of my children's unabashed laughter. And I hope I can remember what really good food tastes like. (Actually I hope I can always eat really good food, but if I'm forced to eat Jell-O I want to imagine it's tiramisu and believe myself.)

When I am old I hope I can endure the patronizing ways of my children and undoubtedly their wives. I'm pretty sure I'll know when they think they are stooping to my level, I just hope I can pretend I don't care. When they do something nice for me I hope I can't tell they are doing it because it just might be the last time.

When I am old I hope I can find someone kind to usher in the very end with me. Someone who permits me to grasp the very last of my dignity on my way out. Someone who speaks to me as if I am a grown up, but with the patience they may offer a child. I would like if this person was my husband, or my children, but in the end... I really just hope there is someone.

And last, when I am old, and I do mean right up until the very last moment I live, I hope that I can read. I hope I will remember what I have read, what I am reading, and what I want to read next. What will I do if I can't read? Seriously, what will I do?

PHOTO NOTE: Here I am, with the person who taught me how to read.

Where Are We Now

It turns out, that wherever you go, eventually you have to come home. And that is exactly what we set out to do today. It was a typical day-long commute complete with bickering, fast food, and tired bums. And punctuated, I might add with a little chagrin, with, "Where are we now?" every 20 or 30 minutes. Not lying.

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6:28 a.m.
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In 48-degree weather we give brief hugs and kisses to Grandma and Grandpa and drive directly to Starbucks. A fine establishment that opens at 6 a.m. even on Sundays (yes, I called the day before to make sure). On the way my teeth chattered and I listened to the sleepy voices of my two boys.

Cooper: You (directed toward me) have scabs everywhere because you're a girl. (O!M!G!)

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6:34
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Mason starts humming the Star Wars march, of course. But then moves on to the Raiders' March from Indiana Jones. Cooper dozes off for just a minute.

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6:46
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Hit Starbucks and order an iced coffee and two "old fashioned" doughnuts. Mason refuses his claiming it is slimy.

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7:27
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Cooper: I miss my daddy.
Me: You get to see him today!
Cooper: But we have to drive a really long time. (Eureka! He gets it. Maybe this will be the last time he asks me about this.)

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8:45
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We crossed the state line and are cruising along at a quiet clip when Cooper whines, "Mommy, I really wanna see my dad." But Mason is starting to snore and I think Cooper is close.

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8:54
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Phew, Cooper is asleep. Seriously if he asks me how much longer we have, again, I might poke out my own eye. Smiling, of course.

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9:42
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Cooper: We need to get ready for a big bump, right?

OK, that was strange because he was completely asleep and at the moment he woke up we entered road construction.

Cooper: Is daddy awake, yet? Let's call him.

When you have EIGHT hours of travel ahead of you, it comes as no comfort that there will be "road delays" for the next 12 miles.

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10:05
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Ahhhh, Wyoming Welcomes us and I almost respond with my middle finger. I'm just saying, I know what's ahead. Let's start looking for a McDonald's.

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10:58
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After a recess at McDonald's (I hate to wake Mason up for that, but it had to be done) we get back on the road.

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NOON
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The first screaming match of the day occurs over a coloring book dispute. I wish this was the first, and only. Good thing we're headed into the Green River tunnel. They find that almost as interesting as who gets to color in the Wall E coloring book.

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12:33 p.m.
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It has become painfully obvious that the boys know I am a toothless tiger. While driving, I am rendered helpless to mediate any and all fighting. They take advantage. I'll let your imaginations take over here, but it's not pretty. The screaming goes on for a full 10 minutes before Cooper announces he has to have an emergenpee. Thank goodness for the Potette.

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12:53
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I'm so glad I distributed cold cereal to the troops, as it is now raining over me by the fistful, courtesy Mason. During our Lucky Charm shower Cooper enlightens me on the reasons behind his newly discovered sliver (it's in his big toe).

Cooper: My body wanted to give me a sliver because I never had one. I never threw up either. (Ummmm, why is he telling me this?) You can squeeze it and it will poke out with blood. And then you just pinch it with your nails. And it won't even hurt really bad. This is not a sliver actually. It is if you put a band aid on it and it will stick on it. And then it will be better, can you get that? Mommy?!?!?! Are you listening to me?

Me: Yes. Totally listening.

Cooper: But you need to put neosporing on it. Then a band aid on top of that. What band aids do we have?

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1:05
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Mason begins singing, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle. Where are you scar?"

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1:18
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I begin telling knock-knock jokes in Chinese.

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1:28
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Cooper: Clouds lift up the sky. Actually the moon lifts up the whole planet and changes our state. So we can go to Indiana and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again, and somewhere else again.

(Heavy sigh.)

I really want to do something fun, so please go a little faster. But don't get a speeding ticket. Those are bad news.

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1:36
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Did I just see a billboard that said, "Come do time in Rawlins."? No thank you. I've spent just about enough time in this purgatory, thank you very much.

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2:17-2:37
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We hit the McD's (I know, again) and the Loaf & Jug (it's still funny).

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2:40
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Cooper: Hey mommy your car is a girl. Because the life guy talks like a girl.

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3:03
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After handing out some melted chocolate Mason starts to panic, "Mom this is leaking!"

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3:50
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Mason begins his version of Twinkle Twinkle, again. And puts himself to sleep.

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4:22
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Cross into Colorado and I'm tempted to get out and kiss the ground. Cooper's response? "This really doesn't look furmiliar. Where's the castle?"

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5:13
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Cooper discovers that a rubber shark I picked up at the dollar store squeaks. I mean SQUEAKS! This thrills him and he laughs and laughs until I convince him to put it away until Mason wakes up. While he concedes, he's nonplussed and pouts with ANOTHER, "When are we going to be there?"

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5:14
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Cooper falls asleep.

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6:19
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Both boys open their eyes and Mason starts singing Indiana Jones music. Cooper doesn't say anyting, just smiles broadly and pulls out that shark. Gives it a squeak and startles Mason into giggles. Laughing all around, that's a great way to bring our trip to a close.

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6:22
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We pull into the drive and both boys chorus, "Is daddy home?"

An 11-Hour Conversation

I've said it before, I'll say it again. If you want to hear what your kids have to say, trap them in a car and give them absolutely nothing to do. When they can't watch movies, can't play Wii, can't play LEGOs; they will talk to you. Yesterday I engaged my children in an on-again-off-again conversation over the span of 11 hours. They said some funny stuff.

5:50 a.m.
Mason: Mommy, I love you.

Cooper: I had a dream that I saw Go Go and no one saw us. And I telled her where Uncle Andrew lives and I said does he live in a castle? And she say-ed yes!

Mason: (singing the Star Wars theme)

Cooper: Mom, I see the sun. But I don't see the moon. They usually fight when they wanna grow. And they play this game where they push back and forth. Isn't that so cool?

Mason: The moon can't stop, Tooper!

6:08 a.m.
Cooper: I see it! (The sun is fully risen at this point.) Hey, is that a golf course? I've never played that one. It's called the Tiger Woods, right mommy?

Mom: OK, boys, you might want to take a little sleep. It's like 4 hours earlier than when you normally wake up. Just go back to sleep. (Damn, well laid plans.)

6:20 a.m.
Pass the beautiful downtown skyline.

6:42 a.m.
Stop at a Costco for gass (just need to top off before hitting the serious road).

7:09 a.m.
Mason: What is that smell?!?!? (This is just the first of this proclamation/question. It is repeated every couple of hours with alarm whenever we encounter a new aroma.)

7:19 a.m.
I break out the Bakugan Breakfast. I have secretly packed meals for the whole road trip that have food AND a toy. I'm hoping to avoid the McDonald's 3 times in one day scenario. Well received.

8 a.m.
The boys finally start a movie and there is complete and total silence from the backseat. See?!!?!? I told you. If you want your kids to talk to you, make them ride in an entertainmentless car. Of course, at times, you don't want them to talk to you. This is one of those times.

8:06 a.m.
Cross into Wyoming. Brace yourself, it gets really boring from here on out. Saddened by the state moniker, "Forever West." Really? Forever? I can't endure it.

8:43 a.m.
Mason: Mommy! I! See! Something! (I guess he's just seen his first herd of cattle.)

Cooper falls asleep.

9:09 a.m.
I accidentally wake up Cooper when I try to wrench away the bag he packed (it is filled with LEGOs).

9:58 a.m.
Really need a bathroom. Who has the cleanest bathrooms in Wyoming? McDonald's! Usher kids into the can, let them take a 15 minute recess on the play equipment, then buy 3 fountain drinks as recompense.

10:19
Leave -- the boys are somewhat long-faced -- and drive head-long into nothingness.

11:02 a.m.
Cooper: Why does no one in this town have yellow faces?

Now, this is just the tip of an iceberg I suspect will be called, "How to talk to your kids about diversity." For the record, he wasn't asking about what you think he might be asking about. He wanted to know why humans (town actually meaning planet) don't have yellow heads like LEGO guys.

11:47 a.m.
I issue the first "Knock it off!" for perpetual raspberry blowing and spitting.

11:56 a.m.
Cooper: How many uncles do I have?
Mom: 7
Cooper: What are their names?
Mom: (I list them.)
Cooper: How many uncles do you have?
Mom: 4
Cooper: What are their names?
Mom: (I list them, one of which being my uncle Mark.)
Cooper: Oh, is your uncle our neighber Mr. Marcus?
Mom: Ummmmm, no.

Dear friends, my neighbor Mr. Marcus is an African American (and I am not). I suspect, this might be more of that iceberg. But I leave it at that.

12:04 p.m.
We pass through the Green River tunnel. For some reason, this is a big deal to the backseat passengers.

12:25 p.m.
Approaching Little America (sounds of gospel choirs singing). I have approximately less than 1 gallon left of gas. So we fill up, use the bathrooms, and I permit the boys to pick a treat. They pick powdered doughnuts.

12:47 p.m.
We're on the freeway and I'm noticing that we probably have 5 hours left. Surely my calculations are wrong. My rear-end hurts and I'm really not in the mood for 5 more hours. Someone, please help me. Why did I do this? Are we ever going to get there? What was I thinking? Five hours! Heellllllllp.

1:26 p.m.
I am interrupted in a wildly needed lecture on the importance of sharing with your siblings with...
Cooper: Are you trying to talk me back?

1:37 p.m.
I issue the first, "Stop throwing stuff!" as a piece of fruit leather whizzes past my head. I nearly miss the Utah state line in all the commotion. But hello! That explains the increase in crappy drivers. Come on, Utah!

1:48 p.m.
Oh dear. I smell something. Please tell me potty training is not on vacation, too. I ask, "Who is making that smell?"
Mason: Mason! (As he lifts not just both his hands, but both his feet.)

The tide of toots is also the kick off of a marathon of nonsensical knock-knock jokes.

2:52 p.m.
Mason falls asleep

3:23 p.m.
We cross into Idaho and I teach Cooper about mile markers and tell him to start counting them (we only have 109 more to go).

3:59 p.m.
Cooper falls asleep. That mile marker trick worked better than I thought it would.

4:54 p.m.
Mason lets me know he is awake by humming his favorite tune.

5:04 p.m.
We're here. Now wait, I have to do this again?

RESOURCES NOTE: In case you're wondering how I can recount every detail of this conversation. First of all, I only share the good stuff. Next, I graduated in journalism and used to work as a reporter, then producer at a handful of television stations and news networks. I can -- and do -- take copious, one-handed, blind notes while I drive. I know, dangerous. You should see my handwriting.

All A Boy Needs

Bedtime proceedure at our house is fairly simple.

Brushed teeth.
Soft pajamas.
A lovie.
Something good to read.

I wonder what he dreams about? Oh wait, he told me. I believe its LEGO 7628.

Under Foot

Try as I might, it is next to impossible to capture pictures of my children. (That's why I've resorted to taking pictures of plants.)

They move really fast and everything comes out a little like this. My life is a hive of movement and it follows me everywhere I go. Always under foot, always buzzing, always loud.

Some day they will be too old for this, and I'll be nostalgic. But for now, I'm a little tired.

PS -- Is it just me or is anyone else freaking out that it is August and summer is nearly over!!??!?! Do you remember what was on our minds last year? I didn't think so. Refresh your memory.