Saturday, February 5, 2011

Home Economics

It's a lazy Saturday, the snow is pounding down, and thanks to back-to-back gym classes on Thursday and Friday every muscle group in my body hates me. Every.

So, for lack of anything better to do I've read a lot of Facebook statuses today. One in particular jumps out at me, "I'm going to take strategies of Texas Hold'em for women...anybody want to take it with me???" Tempting. Really. But wouldn't it be great if you -- you being any person, not the person wanting to take Texas Hold'em for Women -- could take a Home Economics class that was actually called Shit You Want to be Able to Do After You Don't Live With Your Parents Anymore?

Before I dive into this let me just say that when I last checked with my mother, she felt pretty strongly that my generation and every one after that is ill-prepared for life. Specifically she thinks we can't sew, cook, or clean for ourselves. She's probably right. But who's at fault? I have parents who are hard-working folk, mechanically inclined, tremendously talented in domestic matters and yet, I can categorically claim to have taught myself most of the domestic arts I now have any (if little) skill in. I even took Home Economics of various flavors in high school and college. But still I moved into my first place not knowing the first thing about maintaining a home, my own wardrobe, or the shitbox that was my car. (Someday I'm going to share with the world how I drove this car wearing oven mitts, but not today.)

According to my calculations, here's a rough list of the Shit You Want to be Able to Do After You Don't Live With Your Parents Anymore:

1. Bake an exceptional cookie. Whatever your favorite flavor... learn it... and practice often. Knowing a good cookie recipe is essential to your mental health.

2. Know how to plan a meal off the back of a can. Have you ever been on the freeway barreling home from work, or carpool, or the gym and gotten that random call from your significant other that starts with, "What's for dinner?" and ends with, "I don't know, I'll stop at the store on the way home." This is when you pick up a can, look at the back, and proceed to shop for the ingredients needed. In my opinion the most effective recipes are on the back of enchilada sauce cans. I'm just saying.

3. Iron a pair of pants, and a set of synthetic curtains. Don't ask questions, just learn it.

4. How to read a permission slip. I had recent occasion to hunt down a notary at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night because I had neglected to properly read a permission slip. (Also, the permission slips of my day are now referred to as release forms and exculpatory clause contracts.)

5. How to unclog a drain, a toilet, and a gutter. If I have to explain no. 5 you need to move back in with your parents.

This, my friends, is one of the best ideas I've ever had. I may propose this to my local community college. What do you wish you had learned before you moved away from your parents?


Glenda said...

How to file a 1040 tax form!

Claudia said...

How to potty train a 2-year old. Definitely.

Ryan and Andrea said...

You are so awesome! I LOVE this & laughed so hard when reading yours. I miss you!