In every family there is a child who talks. Will talk about anything. In our family his name is Mason. If you're really patient, you hear the damnedest things. Damnedest. Now, that would be the topic of the conversation tonight.
Mommy, I really wanted to tell you that I love you and something else. But I can't tell you.
Did you forget?
Yes, I forgot, and it's a bad word. (Holds up hand showing all five fingers and motions to count down on them.) Let's talk about bad words.
What do you mean? I don't like bad words. (Actually I love bad words.)
Oh yes, that is very bad.
And Shut Up.
Oh right, that is not a very nice thing to say.
Well, what about if a ninja says, "Oh my God!"? (We've been trying to explain that while God is good, saying Oh my God is disrespectful. Really a stretch of a concept for the under 5 set.)
That would be kinda rude to say.
Can a pirate say, "Oh my Gosh!"?
I think that would be OK.
What about if General Grievous said, "Oh my crap!"?
Laughing. (Can't help myself.) I think that would be OK but it is kinda gross and teachers and moms don't like gross words.
Oh right. I think if something is weird you're supposed to say, "Oh my heavens!".
Yes, that's a good alternative.
I'm saving this one (Points to last finger) for hamster. I like to say that.
Oh. (Scratch my head.)
Now mom, I think we should keep talking about the other bad words. Can you tell me some? (Holds up opposite hand and makes to continue counting down.)
I don't like to say bad words.
But mom, I want to know them.
How about I tell you what you can say?
OK, yeah, that's good.
Oh darn! Have you said that before?
No. (Counts down on his fingers.)
Oh my heck!
Laughing. Mom! That's crazy. (Counts down on his fingers.)
Freaking. Freaking is kinda dangerous to say because it sounds like a bad word. (I have known Mason to say, "Are you freaking kidding me?".
(Counts down on his fingers.)
Mason, really, I have to go to bed. Forget about the bad words.
OK. But I want a hamster. When can I get a hamster.
(I close the door and whisper, "Aw shiite, he wants a hamster.")