I thought I'd write to let you know how your house is doing. Actually, I do mean to say my house. But you built it and used to live here, so an update is in order. We've made a few changes since you left. In fact, I think we're making changes to the changes that the previous owners (less previous than you) made.
Can't tell you how thrilled we were to find 20 cans of paint (all 18 years young) in the crawl space. And jeez, how thoughtful of you to preserve some of the original rolls of wall paper. I had NO idea they made wall paper in silver, blue and purple. We're also shocked to discover the marble tile you stole from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Do you think I should ship it back to them?
Was wondering, what's with all the rolls of blue carpet? Was that somewhere in the house? Don't tell me, did you put it in the bathroom before the not-as-previous owners pulled it out and put MORE carpet in the bathroom. You clever bathroom carpeters.
We sure do hope you are well and happy and most importantly retired from building houses. Honestly, you are done building houses, right? The last thing the world needs is a little more iridescent wallpaper, no offense.
The Head Crawl Space Cleaner-Outer