Wednesday, June 10, 2009
W. I. P.
When I look at this photo (taken from the patio of my backyard) all I can think of is change of heart. Sure, sure. It's a weather system, science phenomenon, a pretty cloud in a prettier sky. But it looks like courage. Courage to think about something old in a new way -- well, to me, at least.
But.. I have a fault. Well, perhaps many of them. But there's one in particular that everyone from my mother, to my husband, to my friends have pointed out. Some in utter consternation, and others with jesting love for my eccentricities. I start projects with great gusto. But I rarely finish them with the same enthusiasm, if I finish them at all. I've recognized this about myself since I was in high school. I've only admitted it out loud in the past couple of years. Why? Because I keep thinking I can overcome it. I've also believed others -- particularly that guy I share my bed with -- want me to overcome it.
Gaze at this picture of clouds long enough and you might start thinking what I've been thinking, and decide you're done shrinking back into the blanket of "the way I always do things." There's comfort in it's dim self criticism, hard to discern subtle differences, easy to hide attempts to change.
But I'm choosing something else for today. Today, I'll forge ahead into the blinding brilliance. In the light I might notice a few more blemishes, wrinkles, and inconsistencies. But, I am what I am. I am, among other crazy things, a mother. It turns out mothers are the masters of starting a project before the current work in progress is complete. (Finally a club I can join.) It's what comes natural. Think about it, for just a minute. My life's work, as a mother, is one gigantic unfinished project. I had a kid. And then I had another one before the first one was finished.
If we didn't dare have a second child before the first was finished -- or in other words, moved away from home -- then very, very, very few of us would have more than one. As for the enthusiasm? Well, you need a lot of that in the beginning -- or you would never survive all those diapers on so little sleep. After potty training, how anyone can find enthusiasm enough to finish at all is beyond me.
So then, I've realized that my problem isn't a problem. In fact, you might say that at least I know when I have too much on my plate. Only two projects for me, thank you very much.